Help break the silence, because… what if?

Just why do victims stay with their abusers? It’s a question many of us have asked ourselves when we listen to the news or read a story; many of us simply cannot understand why anyone could stay with a person who deliberately harms them, whether it’s physical, sexual, emotional, or financial. It would never happen to us, we say defiantly, we would never let it… but, what if the situation arose, what if? What if it was your parent, child, sibling, or friend? How could you help?

Regardless of sex, race, colour or religion, abuse does not discriminate, and when someone treats their partner with disrespect, violence, cruelty, harm, or force, this is called an abusive relationship. 

Abusers count on their victims not being able  to share what is happening to them; they may have honed their skills over years and previous relationships, grinding their victim down into believing they are not enough, that their voice is not worth hearing, that they won’t manage without them, that they have nowhere else to go, and, worse still, that no one will believe them.

There are many forms that abuse can take; and whether it's physical, sexual, emotional, or financial, or even some or all of these.  Abuse, in any form, can be gradual and repetitive, the abuser using subtle and increasing their tactics over an extended period, to control their victim.

Unlike physical abuse, emotional (psychological) abuse leaves no visible signs and can go unnoticed for years, sometimes decades. Common signs of emotional abuse are isolation, verbal abuse, manipulation, constant criticism, controlling behaviour, gaslighting (making the victim doubt their feelings or instincts, or the abuser lying about their behaviour and shifting blame), and threats, whether towards the victim, or suggesting they may harm themselves and imply it's the victim's fault.  

At this point, you may be feeling angry and disgusted that an abuser could treat another person like this. This is a completely normal reaction.

However, for others reading this, they may feel fear or shame, recognising what they are living with on a daily basis, and trying hard not to show they have been affected by these words. They may even have tried to ask for help or are unsure how to – which is why right now is the ideal opportunity to ask your family members, friends and colleagues the simple question, “Is everything ok?” and listen to what they say, or are trying to say.

Silence enables abusers to carry on their twisted campaign against the victim and we need to be comfortable speaking about this openly, to encourage those being abused to speak up and know they will be listened to and be supported, whether or not they feel they can leave their abuser at that time, or at some point in the future.

Whilst many believe the Western Isles Rape Crisis Centre (WIRCC) only provides support, information and advocacy to those affected by Rape or in Crisis situations, this is actually only one aspect of what the free and confidential service offers to those living and working throughout the Outer Hebrides.

Angela MacLennan, WIRCC Manager, said: “We offer advice, support and information to anyone who has been affected by any form of sexual violence.   Sexual violence is any kind of sexual activity or act (including online) that was unwanted or involved any of the following: pressure, manipulation, bullying, intimidation, threats, deception or force. In other words, any kind of sexual activity or act that took place without consent.  We offer crisis and longer-term support, by phone, video call or in-person, wherever you live in the Western Isles. Individuals can also get in touch if they are worried about their child, someone in their family or someone they know. We also have a service for survivors of Childhood trauma."

WIRCC also offer women’s support groups and other events focused on well-being, creative arts and other activities, all aimed at creating safe spaces for women to come and enjoy time together, reduce social isolation and have an opportunity to find out more about our services.

In addition, the service has hosted local youth events, encouraging students and young people to visit and relax in the cosy art and meeting area, and hope to offer further groups in the future. 

Angela continued: “You can contact our service if something is happening in your life now, or if something has happened in the past. We will never tell you what to do or judge your actions, and you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to."

In addition, their Advocacy Support Project can provide support and information at every stage of the criminal justice system, from just thinking about reporting, through to the resolution of a court case.

Angela added: “We will listen first and provide you with the information you need to make informed decisions, and we are on your side and will stand by your choices.  We can provide practical support, such as attending criminal justice related meetings and appointments with you, getting updates on your case, attending court with you and communicating with services on your behalf, if you wish."

The WIRCC Helpline is open Monday to Friday from 9am-4pm on 01851 709965 (if there is no answer, please leave a message and they will get back to you as soon as possible).  In addition, their support email address is support@wircc.org.uk

For further information about domestic abuse and additional local and national support services, please visit NHS Western Isles' website at www.wihb.scot.nhs.uk (Our Services, Public Protection section).

In an emergency situation dial 999, non-emergencies dial 101.  To report crime anonymously call Crimestoppers on 0800 555111.